I'm in a personal state of flux at this moment.
I can't seem to post as of late because I don't want to show my cards.
I'm not the best gambler. and when I bet? I ALWAYS lose.
If you can read between the lines, maybe you can diagnose my disease.
First up: THIS!!!
I'm beside myself on how time flies and I swear I was there to catch it. I think.
11 tomorrow. I still look at my stomach and say, "Hey! my scar is still raw, pronounced and ever present of your life scratching forth."
Please don't leave just yet. I love getting to know you. You are fun and pretty funny.I TOTALLY FORGIVE you for the first three years of your life. Only because you have always had the spirit to crawl forth and make yourself known. Even if it wasn't proper during a play date, mall excursions or say, nap-time or sitting in your motherfucking car seat.
Your ever present spirit of which I would never try to squash makes me so very proud you are a part of me. That part of you is what I am claiming! Because I am your mother.
You know good from wrong. You are so.much.stronger.than.I.was.at.your.age.and now.
I'm in awe of your beauty and of your grace.
You are so kind and loving. Able to accept people for their faults and dude, you can laugh at yourself. I STILL HAVE THIS PROBLEM!!!
I'm in utter awe of how you seem to manage your anxiety but love to perform on a stage for others to judge and criticize. You love to feel free and be yourself. You let that freak flag fly.wave those arms in the air with abandon! and just so you know, there is not freak in there. Your joy of just letting yourself be free and be yourself makes me feel like I have done something right as a parent. Just a little bit.
If only all of us adults can feel this everyday when we walk that line of childhood and responsibility. I have to think you get part my odd sense of humor. I know you are quite a part of your father as I don't see much of my skin in you. and this is a good thing.
You are prettier for it.
We can gel, come together and wave our hands over our heads and scream with our raspy lungs, cheesy songs. We can freak the fuck out when you spill your drink all over your father's work folders and we say, "SHIT! HE'LL NEVER KNOW! JUST BLOT!" I've got your back. SHHHH!
I'm glad I can cover up all of our sins. I hope you will always like me. Even if it's ten years later.
I know I'm going to screw this shit up.
I know, I'm not going to remember what it's like to be you, at this time of life. because, I'm here. at.this.time.of.life.
and dude, it so sucks.
Just remember when I embarrass you, it's because I care and well...
I never want to grow old! and I want to feel ever present in your life.
From the FB of this eve:
"Celia's 5th grade program is this week. I do have to say, I am QUITE pleased to rehearse with her "Living on a Prayer" for her said program. Do you think I'll be thrown out of the program when I flick my Bic and act like I'm at a Bon Jovi concert when I was 20? #savingupcounselingformybroodfromembarrasingmother"
"I miss the good old fashion cassette tape mixes. #youveneverbeeninloveuntilyoureceivedoneofthese"
I think "I" just might be going through that old man's crisis at the moment.
I'm not happy in most things I'm doing. Well, my kids? That is the only thing I find joy in.
I love them with a thousand burning suns and well... I may have already said this but man, time and age really can do a trick on your psyche.
I feel so.... bereft.
Oddly, enough.... I can't even begin to explain how I feel these days. Other than... bereft. and.... shit... I don't know....
I SO WANT TO BE ELEVEN AGAIN!!!!
but I ALWAYS want to be your go to person. I hope I never fuck that up for you.